Restricted Jokes ( Page 3 of 4 )

Missing God

There were two brothers at age 12 & 8. They were so naughty and always people come to complain to their parents. Parents became very fed-up and they have taken them to the mental doctor.

Doctor first called the elder boy and asked him, “Tell me where is god?” The boy kept silence. Then doctor again with a loud voice asked him, “Tell me where is God?”.

The boy suddenly ran away and went to his home and hide himself in his cloth cupboard.

When the younger brother saw that, he also ran away after him and reached to the home and asked “Brother what the doctor asked you and why you ran away?”

The elder brother said, “God is missing and everybody thinking that we did it.”


Ride to the Hospital

A woman flagged down a cab.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked.

"The hospital," the woman answered.

"Where at the hospital?" the cabbie asked.

"Maternity ward." the woman answered.

A determined look crossed the cabbie's face. "Okay, I'll get you there. Don't you worry!" He then floored it and started weaving past cars.

"No no, you don't need to drive so fast," the woman said. "I only work there!"


What is a government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''


Legal awareness

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer, "Where is my Rolex?"


Heart transplant

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker”.
The man quickly responds, “the attorney’s”.

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”


Bible class

Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.

His reply was, 'Nothing.'

So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'

Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'


Sharp memory

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "George, how was the memory clinic you two went to last month?"

"Outstanding," George replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

George went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke out across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"



A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is on the site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,

Junior said “the number you are trying to call is not reachable“.


Medical report

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow

1. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

6. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

7. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.

8. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

9. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

10. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

11. Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

12. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


The Clintons and the Hooker

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington, D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!”

He's tempted, but the price is a little high, so he calls back, “Five!”

She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts.

Bill answers her, “Five!” No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!”


Lawyer vs Witness

Lawyer related jokes that have  appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune, which were taken from real court records.

Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?

Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

Lawyer: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?

Witness: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!


Punch on BJP alleging Kejriwal for his electricity bail

News: BJP alleges Kejriwal on his electricity bail.


Common man: God please take me away before the oppositions start inquiring about point out the pant value.

By Phani